Thursday, May 10, 2018

My Happy Mother's Day

Now I must tell you that my Baby Girl, Andi, is now 41 years old and a mother, wife, sister, friend, nurse, volunteer besides being my incredible daughter.  She has been my biggest supporter as I navigate my way through this journey of grief.  She was beside Dan and I as we went through countless doctor visits,  diagnosis, tests, prognosis, hospitals and eventually his death.  She was not our only support, but being the only other family here in Portland, she went through everyday with us, with other friends and family being by our side as often as they could be.

It has been 17 months since Dan passed away, and certainly the day to day has become easier.  In the beginning I constantly cried to the point that I bruised my eyes!  I finally began to understand what soul-rending grief could be.  I had lost my soul-mate, my best-friend, my lover, the father of my children, grandfather of our grandchildren, my confidant, my partner in crime, traveling companion and the person I had planned to grow old with.  We did everything together, especially since we had made our move to Portland after Dan retired.  We moved here just 3 and a half years ago and had so many plans for what our future would look like.  We had spent the previous 8 years taking care of my Dad, who had Parkinson's.  That gives you an idea of what kind of man Dan was.  This was his father-in-law.  We rented our place and moved into Dad''s place so he could stay in his home.  I was home on disability anyway, and Dan continued working.  It was harder than we both realized it would be, especially as the disease progressed.  Dan and I loved to spontaneous!  That was gone, our privacy was gone.  It was the right thing to do, and we both never regretted our decision.  Dad was able to stay in his home until the last 6 weeks of his life.  We were both able to share a very, very special relationship with Dad.  After his loss, is when we talked and decided now was the time for change.  We moved to Portland to get to know our youngest grandchildren, Kalina and Mateo, who were 2 and 4 at that time.  Our grandkids in Denver were older.  Hailie and Perrin are now 15 and 11 and have very busy lives!  We had been with them since they were born.  It was hard to leave them and their parents, our son, Devon, and his incredible wife, Tiff.  We were always going to be missing half of our grandchildren.

Dan had been a native Coloradan, born and raised in the Denver area.  He had always lived within 15 miles of the place he was raised (except when at college), until the day we moved.  He was so excited for a move.  I had been born and raised in Council Bluffs, Iowa, but had been in Denver from the time I was 16.  I was ready for a change too, and anxious to spend time with not just the grandkids, but with Andi and her husband, Lee.  The loss of Dad had really shaken me, and suddenly we had to move from the home we had known for the last 8 years so Dad's house could be sold for the estate.   It just seemed the right time.  Plus, Dan had been having some health challenges, that none of the doctors in Denver could figure out.  We had noticed that he could breath a lot easier in Portland. Sea level versus a mile high!  Dan had been having trouble when we went to mountains for our little weekend trips and would be at 8.000 - 10,000 feet altitude.  That was so hard for Dan, who loved the Colorado  mountains.  We were 64 & 67 when we moved.

Sorry, I digress.  I began this with my daughter, Andi.  I thought a little background might help.    I have been getting better.  I had promised Dan, that I wouldn't just sit home, but would really make an effort to create a new life for myself.  I've started a fantastic yoga class, that has provided not just exercise, but both physical and emotional support, and a group of wonderful women who have been so supportive and encouraging.  I have found new friends. I go to a support group that has helped tremendously.  I have a new apartment, that is perfect for me, less expensive and a little closer to Andi and Lee.  I have found that I can live on my own and can survive leaving the place where I had last been with Dan, as he passed away in our previous home.   I've even gotten through a broken wrist, without Dan being here to help me out.   I've been here in my new place for just over 6 weeks and suddenly, I'm back to crying at the drop of a hat.  I've been having nightmares again, where I dream that Dan has left without me and I can't catch up or get his attention.  I long for one more kiss, or one more hug.  I understand yearning now - even feeling a physical ache in my arms, wishing to just hold him.  I miss the weight of his body next to me in bed, and the warmth I would feel from him.  I miss his touch - whether it was just holding my hand, rubbing my neck or his warm, encompassing hugs.  I feel like I'm losing him, just like I did in the beginning.

I told Andi today, that maybe it was all because I was trying to move on.  I burst into tears - again!  This is what she told me - "Mom, you are not moving on just because you've found a place that is all yours, just yours.  It's not like you're overcoming some bad break-up.   You are learning to live your life.  Just what Dad was so worried about since the moment we got his prognosis.  He would be so happy to know that you're doing this. This is also, just what you promised him you would do, that allowed him to pass in peace."  Thank you for the reminder, Baby Girl!  I have always said - semantics are everything.  The way we phrase something to other people, but also to ourselves, mean everything!  Just exchanging "moving on" to "living your life" , clicked in my brain like a switch!  It's not to say that I won't move on - from this grief.  This has been profound.  Dan and I were married for 46 years and were together for 48 years!  That's a lot of change to deal with.  Andi also reminded me that Dan's hope for me, was that some point I would be able to get to point where maybe I could find someone to share that rest of my years with.  She said - "when you get to the point where you could date, and possibly find someone - that's moving on."  I can't even comprehend that, at this point.  But, I also don't reject the possibility of that happening somewhere in my future.  Dan had drilled that into me that last few months we had together.  He was far more worried about my future after he was gone, than I was.  I  couldn't see any further than each moment I had with him.  My mantra during those last 9 months, was "if it doesn't matter in this moment, it doesn't matter."  The first few weeks of Dan's prognosis, was filled with lots of conversations, about what he wanted, what he expected, what he feared, decisions, and conversations with family and friends.  After, that we both decided to focus on the day to day - moment to moment. Dan's nagging fear, was what life would be for me when he was gone.  Going through paperwork as I prepared to move, I found doctor reports where they asked what he was concerned with as the inevitable approached and they all read - "I worry about Jan.  Will she have enough money, she needs to move, should she move back to Denver,  her friends and the rest of the family is in Denver".  It made me sad to think, that I caused him additional worry and is part of the reason I'm determined that I will do all I can to prove that I'm all right!  Hopefully, wherever he is - he knows and is smiling.

Today though - I'm just thankful for the incredible woman that my daughter has become.  She has shown me such support and strength during this time.  Andi told me that she has felt that our roles are reversed and she finds herself worrying about me, which I do struggle with.  I'm suppose to be the Mom!  But, as Mother Day approaches I realize that not only is she a fantastic Mom to her children, but that she's been a pretty damn good Mom to me too!  I'm so proud of the incredible woman she has become.  Thanks, Andi!  You're the best!