Priceless Friends
I was talking with an old friend this morning, and it got me to thinking about how precious friends are. Now when I talk about an old friend, I mean a long time friend! Kaye and I have been friends since we were 3 years old! We live in different cities and have for decades. We have managed to keep that bond alive with phone calls, cards, letters and trips to see each other when possible. I moved away from the town we grew up in when I was a junior in high school! Kaye has lived in other places, but eventually went back to Council Bluffs (Iowa) to raise her family. I had moved to the Denver area and called that my home up until 3 years ago when my husband, Dan, and I moved to Portland, Oregon. That our relationship has survived all of these years is amazing, but that it survived that in spite of our separation of hundreds of miles is even more remarkable. Kaye and I had lived just a few blocks from each other as kids and were inseparable. We took turns spending the weekends at each others houses. I remember feeling like I had another Mom in her Mom. Our brothers were also best friends, although they have not remained as close as we are. We both felt that meant we had older, evil twin brothers! We became baton twirlers together and twirled away middle school and high school. We would play jacks all through the summer. We would help each other do our chores so we would have more time to do what we wanted! Sometimes we would walk to downtown Council Bluffs, which seemed big to us at the time. We were always sure to check out Woolworths, have curly fries at the diner and then stop at Dairy Queen on the way home for Dilly Bars (hoping that we would get one with a free stick for out next trip). We would stay up late on the weekends watching scary movies - until we scared ourselves so bad we couldn't get to sleep! As we got older there were slumber parties, football games, band (because we were twirlers) and school clubs. I did get "boy crazy" before Kaye for awhile, which ate up some of our time together.
Then my Dad got transferred to Denver! I was sure my life was ruined forever! That was January of 1968 when you had to pay for long distance, so I rarely got to talk with Kaye. After my first day at my high school, I begged Mom and Dad to let me go and live with Kaye until I finished high school in a year and a half later! They said no - so unreasonable! Kaye and I wrote each other long letters and our parents arranged for Kaye to come and visit in the summer. Due to my Grandfather's health, we also got back to Council Bluffs a couple of times. Our senior years, we grew distant, just because our lives had filled with school, friends, activities and plans for our futures. Kaye went off to college in Iowa and I was all set to go to college in Colorado. Kaye and I kept in touch and had a few shared vacations. Our husbands and kids all hit if off so well, that our time together has been amazing. Kaye and I still talk and are planning our next visit together. She will be here in July for some special time together! Kaye is my friend I share my childhood with. She is a part of almost every memory I have of that time in my life. I can't wait to see her again!
I had met Dan in 1968 (a story for a different time) and we had dated on and off during my senior year. He was already in college. Things were getting serious and I reasoned myself right out of going to college. (stupid) Dan and I had already talked about our future together and I had realized that as much as I wanted to go to college, I didn't want to "waste" the education and the money that Mom and Dad were paying for it. I knew that when I had kids I would want to stay home with them because I couldn't imagine putting them in daycare. So if was going to be a stay-at-home Mom, why go to college? One of my biggest mistakes ever, although I'm not sure I would change it either. Mom and Dad were not happy with my decision, but supported me in it. So I went and got a job at the Federal Reserve Bank in downtown Denver. This is where I met another life-long friend, Gari! Gari and her husband became one of first "couple friends" and we did everything together. When Gari and her husband divorced, Gari remained our dear friend and the three of us were often seen together. Dan had taken her under his wing like another sister. Eventually, Gari remarried to another friend of ours and the 4 or us became quite the group. Our kids are stair-step, we played cards every weekend, had picnics, took our families to the amusement park, bowled together or went camping. It was awesome because the kids got along so well, and were all so close in age. Unfortunately, Mike was murdered in a robbery attempt. It was one of the most horrible times in our lives. Not just for the adults but the kids. Not only were their kids dealing with the loss, but our kids became their confidents at the age of 11 and 13. Pretty heavy stuff for such young kids to deal with. They had adored Mike, who was at our house the day before he was murdered to pick up his kids from us babysitting them. That tragic event helped to mold Devon and Andi into the thoughtful, compassionate adults that they are today. Gari and I talk and get together whenever I'm in Denver.
Another amazing friendship began when this young couple moved in behind us! They became our "over the fence" friends and neighbors! I found in Stefannie, my "sistah from another mistah!!". Stefannie is 12 years younger than I am - but it just doesn't matter. We're also pretty different from each other. Stefannie is the consummate professional business woman, where I pretty much have spent most of my life being a stay at mom and grandma. Yes, I've held jobs and would've continued in my job at the elementary school for a really long time if I hadn't been put on disability. Stefannie is a incredible professional, with a masters in business and has always held high profile professions. She has a fantastic sense of humor and a huge heart. We do share a total love of our families and a mutual respect and love for each other. Our kids were in their early teens when they moved in and Stefannie loved them immediately. Dan and I eventually became godparents to her daughter, Emily, and she literally became another daughter to us. Emily and Dan were especially close. He was truly the father figure she needed, especially when her parents divorced and her Dad filled in for her "absent father". Emily has spent a lot of time hanging out with us in Portland during breaks from school. Emily has struggled with Dan's death, but is starting to find her spot in her 2nd year of college. Stefannie has found the love of her life and will be getting married in 3 weeks. Steve is amazing and I'm so happy that they found each other. I always felt like Stefannie was searching for a relationship like Dan and I had - and I think she's found it! I'll be in Denver next month for the wedding!
Dan and I were in a devastating accident. We were on the interstate going home at 11:30 at night when a young man committed suicide by jumping in front of our car. He, unfortunately, was instantly successful as he hit the windshield on my side and rolled off the car. Dan got the car stopped safely and the police came very quickly. This young man was the same age as our son, Devon. I was so overwhelmed and wanted to reach out to his parents. I couldn't even imagine how horrible it would be for them. The police and victim's assistance people told me not to do that and I couldn't understand why. We were at the scene for over 3 hours and when we got home we laid in each others arms not able to sleep or even close our eyes in fear of what we might see. This young man's parents sued us for wrongful death 3 months later. I constantly teetered between being compassionate or being very angry. We had purposefully choosen not to get a lot of details, but were now forced to find out things that still bother me. The case was thrown out as frivolous law suit with the lawyer explaining not only did we do nothing wrong, but we could sue for damages from that event! All of this took a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally. I had a closed head injury and had really messed up me neck when we stopped so suddenly. I was not only in a lot of pain, but depressed, suffering from PTSD, panic attacks and was basically a mess! When I was put on disability, it was against my will (although it was the right thing). I had felt safe going to work at the school daily. There were people and friends all around and lots of kids to make me smile. At home it was too quiet and too much time for my mind to dwell on things. Unfortunately, I wasn't sleeping and had trouble concentrating. At home, I had loved to read and do counted cross stitch and found that suddenly I couldn't do either! I was devastated when I was put on disability and feared that I would never be allowed to go back to work (and I was right).
The weekend before I was permanently home, there was an event at school. Dan insisted that I go down and check out the booths that some of the parents were having. One was a table where one of the parents, Cindy, was having a "card making and stamping" demonstration and a make-n-take. I sat down and stamped my first greeting card! I loved it. Dan insisted that I place an order so I would have some stamps at home to play with. Little did I know how much that little make-n-take would change my life! A couple of weeks later I was talking to Cindy trying to figure out about card stock, ink, stamps and techniques. That was the beginning of an incredible friendship. Cindy had become my first "post-accident" friend. So many of my friends wanted to be supportive and encouraging as I was adjusting to my new life. But, they "missed the old Jan"! Me too! Although, Cindy and I had met at school before, it was when she would come to the office to check on her son or pick him up early for an appointment. It was definitely a, parent vs. staff member acquaintance. As Cindy and I began to get to know each other, she only knew me as the person I was at that moment. She didn't miss the "old Jan", she just accepted the person I was and listened as I came to grips with my present situation. I often didn't feel well, had trouble concentrating, had so many doctor and therapist appointments and trying to deal with all the emotions of being in that horrific accident and she patiently listened to all of. That acceptance was part of what started my long road to healing. Cindy and I are still the best of friends! Our love of stamping, has taken us on! many adventures. Even though we are separated by miles now, we can spend hours on the phone talking about our grandkids and our stamping! These shared loves have made us very close! When I travel back to Denver I pack one suitcase of stamps and supplies so I can share them with Cindy or just keep myself busy while the grandkids are at school and my son and daughter-in-law are at work! We will schedule to meet for an early lunch, with a stamping session afterwards. Then I'll call my son or daughter-in-law (who I stay with when in Denver) and tell them not to hold dinner for me, then I'll call and tell them not to wait up for me. These sessions have lasted till 3:00 or 4:00 in the the morning! Devon says he's thinking of giving me a curfew!!! I did tell him that not to, because this was the only kind of marathon I could compete in!!
When Dan and I moved to Portland, I didn't feel the need to find new friends. Dan was newly retired and since we had cared for my Dad the previous 8 years, we had missed not having our privacy and the chance to be spontaneous. We both just loved hanging out together! We're both basically very social, talking to everyone we meet! But this was our chance to just be together. I always said it was easy to love Dan - I love him unconditionally. The trick was that I still really, really liked him! We just enjoyed each other's company completely! So when Dan passed away, although I had some strong friendships, none of them were close by! About 6 months after Dan was gone, I finally did something he had been encouraging me to do. I found a studio that taught Tai Chi and Yoga. I didn't know if I could do yoga but thought Tai Chi looked like it was something my hurting body could do. I'm sure now, that somehow Dan was guiding me to this place. I walked in and knew I was at the right place. This incredible sense of peace enveloped me immediately! A wonderful Korean couple run the place and as I talked to them I felt that I had found where I needed to be here. I went back the next morning to watch and try out a class. As they introduced me to a couple of other women in the class, one woman in particular immediately caught my attention. I knew that we would be friends! I have no idea what made me feel that way! Well, I was right! Judy and I have become amazing friends. Judy was just who I needed in my life at this time. She has been crucial to me learning how to cope with Dan's death. Her wisdom has touched me and I have found one of those friends who you feel that you have known your whole life. I am so blessed! I have made several other friends from this incredible class. Now I have friends stopping by and lunch and dinner dates with the girls right here in Portland! If Dan somehow lead me to this exercise studio, he also has led me to a place of peace, acceptance and support. Not only that, but I originally thought - maybe I'll go 3 times a week. That was my goal! I typically go to class 4-6 times a week! Dan would be so tickled!
So I know this is a longer post than I intended. I certainly didn't honor all of my friends, yet! There will be another post honoring Sue, Pat, Marsha and Wanda another time. My whole point of doing this particular post was to demonstrate not just these individual friends, but the type of friendships that come into your life. Each of these friendships have played a huge part in my life - my childhood, being a Mom together, finding a sister, acceptance after a life changing event and finding peace after a soul crushing loss. Blessings come to us in unusual ways and give unexpected gifts! I'm pretty sure that when I meet these women, I had no idea of their long term effects on my life! I hope that you are blessed with these kind of relationships in your life!
Smile!
Jan
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