A New Adventure!

Well, I'm on to the newest adventure in this chapter of my life.  For those of you who are just beginning to follow me, I lost my husband to a very rare disease 14 months ago.  We were married 46 years at the time of Dan's death.  Needless to say, it's been devastating - in fact, I don't know if there is a word in the English language that could properly describe how I feel about losing my soul-mate.   I promised Dan, that I would be okay.  I just had no idea how long that would take or what "okay" even looked like.  Now I know that there are days when I feel like I'm making progress, step by step.  The very next day, I could be hit with an unexpected wave of grief that makes me feel that I'm back at the beginning.  I have decided that being okay means making some positive steps to be okay.  I go to a bereavement support group that has been invaluable.  I took a course on how to move on, where not only did I learn some really helpful ideas, but made a couple of great friends.  The most helpful thing though has been a Dahn Yoga studio I found.  I have fibromyalgia and knew that I couldn't do regular yoga, so I started looking for Tai Chi classes.  Dan had been encouraging me to do this for a long time and made sure I understood that he felt it would be important to help me heal and move on after he was gone.  He was a big exercise guy!  When I found this studio, I knew within seconds of walking in, that this was the place I needed to be and that some how Dan had lead me to this place.   This yoga is based on a lot of Tai Chi forms and postures, so I felt like maybe my body wouldn't rebel quite as loudly.  What I found is a place of peace, calm, energy, acceptance and support.  Not only are the owners/instructors incredible, but it had drawn to it other incredible people.  I really thought I'd set my goal at going to these classes 2-3 times a week.  To my surprise I am going 6 days a week!  There are definitely things I can't do, but there's a lot I can.  The best unexpected perk, are the precious friends I have made.  These are the kind of friends that seem like we've been friends for decades.  amy new friends made me realize an important fact.  Part of losing Dan is that I lost my identity too.  I had been a part of this incredible entity - Dan and Jan for almost 50 years.  I didn't know who "Jan" was.  I had never lived by myself, because we married young.  We had grown up together and had been blessed with an incredible life and an even more incredible family.  We raised a an incredible son and daughter who are both married and have provided us with extensions of themselves with their wonderful spouses and amazing children (2 each).  What a legacy Dan left behind.  I don't know what I would do without my kids and grandkids.  What my new friends helped me realize that they only knew Dan through my stories of him.  To them - I am "Jan"!  To the friends I've made in the bereavement group - I am "Jan".  Once I realized that, I  understood that I am discovering who I am.

Now, I on to this next new adventure.  Like I said, I had never lived on my own. I went from living with my parents to graduating high school to being married!    Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change anything in my life that I can think of except  still having Dan by my side.  I do have a suggestion, the same one I gave my daughter, Andi.  Don't get married right away - live life, learn about yourself, experience new people and places.  Andi did that!   Anyway, I've realized that I needed to move to a smaller place, a less expensive place.  When we got Dan's prognosis of a year or less, he wanted to move right then so he'd know I was settled in a new place that would be more affordable.  I wouldn't hear of it..  Moving is a huge deal and would have taken too much energy and taken my focus off Dan.  I told him I could do that later, but he was the only thing I could focus on.  It took the whole family to convince him that I'd be okay.  It was his biggest concern after he came  to grips with the reality of this horrible prognosis.  What could he do at that moment that would help me after he was gone?  Dan encouraged me to proceed with my greeting card business.  To sell my cards on Etsy and focus on creating a business that I loved and could occupy my time and mind - that was another big concern of his.  He didn't want me just focusing of my loss, but on something positive and creative.

For the last 6 months I have been very passive aggressively approaching a possible move.  Now financially - I should have done this long ago.  I have my disability income from my job as a Principal's Secretary at an Elementary School (loved that job) and half of what Dan was getting from social security.  Seems the only  thing that changed in my expenses was food!  So it turns out losing $800 a month makes a huge difference.    I was just having a hard time leaving the only  place that Dan and I lived since we moved to Oregon 3 years ago, plus the place where he passed away.  At the end, he asked to come home to pass instead of in the hospital.  I realize that he is in my heart and he will go with me wherever I go and that this move will make him happy!  I actually, (after about 3 months) actually made appointments to go look at some of these apartments in person, instead of just on my computer!   I got home from one of those appointments about a week ago to find a notice on my door that my rent would be increasing by upwards of $500!  I felt suddenly compelled - to get serious in my search!!   At least, from all the time I had spent looking on line, I had a pretty good idea of places that might work.  I got on the phone and called one more place to see if I could squeeze in a tour that day and  they told me if I could get there right away I could tour that day before the new renters moved in!  The apartment looked great and they explained they did have an apartment with the same floor plan that would be available to move into at the end of February!  It was being remodeled and wouldn't be ready till then.  That meant I would be the first tenant in this brand new apartment! Yesterday, they called and said the remodel was done if I wanted to look at it before I moved in.  OMG!  It has brand new appliances, washer/dryer, sinks, flooring, light fixtures, faucets carpet, cabinets, counter tops,  paint and window coverings!  I definitely feel like this was all meant to be - my very first place that will be just mine!  Suddenly, I am excited!  So I move in on March 3rd to this beautiful new space.  Now moving still isn't fun and I am having to downsize - which I had just done 3 years ago in a big way when we moved from our house in Colorado!  Obviously, I'm a crafter and I am positive that somewhere in the crafter's secret handbook, it says downsizing of crafts should only be done once every 20 years!!!  (hehe)  But, I'm doing it!  There have been moments of panic and moments of tears as I come across something of Dan's that I hadn't thought of lately - but, the packing is happening and the downsizing is as well!

So, this is my current adventure.  Which is why my new blog is looking a skimpy on posts!  Give me a little time to get moved and settled and I'll be back in full-force!  Thanks for taking the time to read this!  I appreciate you all so much!

Jan